That's something that I've really come to realise this year, I have no idea where my life is going or whats going to happen in 2018, but I do know that whatever the outcome my success and happiness isn't determined by reaching a singular point or outcome. It's all about the journey along the way.
That positivity, those good things going on are really what I wanted to focus on today, but its not so much the good things I've personally done. Its all the things that other people in my life have done for me, how they've helped me and been there for me. I count myself incredibly, incredibly lucky to have such an amazing network of friends around me that are always there to support me. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be right now if it wasn't for them and everything they've done for me and continue to do for me.
I'm constantly scared that somethings going to happen and all the progress I've made is going to disappear again. I'm scared that my neediness and insecurity is going to drive away all the friends that have let me back into their lives. I'm scared that the part of me that use to obsess over running and every mile of my training is going to come back and take running from me again. I'm scared that no matter how hard I try I'll never actually be able to enjoy the things going on around me because I spend so much time stuck inside my own head.
All of this kind of loops me back around to part of the reason I've not been writing over the last month or so. I started to realise that I'd been forcing myself to write for the sake of writing because I'd commited to keeping a blog rather than because it was helping me; and as a result It was actually making things worse because I was putting all this pressure on myself. All of this started to coincide with a bit of a shift in my mind set and lifestyle linked into my running. I started my running journey back in July with the aim being to enjoy myself, get my shoes back on and see what happens and in doing so I started to change my mind set in regards to life in general at the same time.
In this vein I wanted to revisit one of the very first posts I ever wrote about my mental health issues "Toeing the Line: You're Never Alone". That post is really where all of this started and the crux of everything i've written since then, in all honesty though its lacking a lot of detail. When I sat down and intially wrote that post it was as detailed and as indepth as I could bring myself to write, this time I wanted to write the full on honest story and the truth of it all. My mental health issues have changed and manifested in different ways over the last 10 years, and especially in the the last 2 years. I want to share my story in hopes of raising awareness and spreading the message of support to everyone out there. Together we will beat the stigma and mental health issues. This is my story....
I suppose what scares me the most is whether or not ill be able to break out of this at all, or is this my mental state from now on - Generally good but always being constantly scratched by the negatives? Able to get on with things but never 100% enjoy them because I'm subconsciously always looking for the negatives in everything?
I'm excited for whats ahead of you little dude, there's some incredible times to come and you're going to absolutely love it. If I could go back and re-live them all again I would, unfortunately time machines dont exist just yet so i'm out of luck on that one! I'll promise you one thing though, I'll do my best to make sure theres even more great moments and memories for you to enjoy in the future.
I suppose that's the crux of it all, the big chink in my suit of armour. As much as it might seem like I have things under control (which I generally do most of the time) somedays, sometimes things just go down that hole and I end up trying to drag myself back out again. It happen less and less but the battle against the demons in my head and everything they try to do to me is ongoing and it's probably the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with.
Well I feel like shit. Oh wait is that allowed? Am I allowed to admit that on the internet? Y'know, that I feel pretty awful and that my life isn't exactly going great right now. Oh well, too late I've done it now! In all seriousness last week was nothing short of awful. Like really [...]
I was tidying my room this time last week and I came across some of my old training diaries from during my time at University, one of which stood out to me in particular. It was my 2012/13 seasons which all in all was my most successful season! But it wasn't the success that stood out to me as I flicked through the pages. It was the number of times that underneath the entry for that day there was a line that read something along the lines of "tough run had a panic attack halfway through" or "had to come home early, couldn't cope". Seeing that written down and then looking at where I am with everything now was really tough.